I went to bed last night drowning in disappointment and woke up in the wee hours with the weight of it sitting on my chest. I tried my trick of listening to the melodious voice of Max McLean reading the Psalms on biblegateway.com. He can almost always lull me back to sleep. Not this time.

Almost all of my frustrations were messes of my own doing. I said something to friends that was VERY judgmental instead of reflecting the love of Jesus.

I couldn’t resist this impromptu trashcan bouquet

My house is pretty much a wreck from one end to the other because I’m busy, and when I do have time I get discouraged because my efforts have so little impact.

I worry that my mistakes as a mom have made it harder for my young adult kids to follow God rather than easier.

Around 5 a.m., I gave up and got out of bed. I brewed my coffee and sat down with my computer, Bible and journal looking for solace. I found a Beth Moore video that included a pop quiz. One of her “true-false” questions was, “I know God loves me but I think I often disappoint Him.”

That struck a bruised spot on my heart. I disappoint myself so often that I think God must be disappointed in me, too. Beth said God isn’t disappointed because He isn’t surprised by our struggles. I didn’t catch Him off guard when I messed up.

She quoted Romans 5:5, “And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

As I was looking up that verse, my eyes drifted up to 5:1. “Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.”

My problem is that sometimes my faith is in the wrong place. I try to do big things (or not-so-big things) through my own efforts and I fail. I may be disappointed, but God is not. He’s saying, “Look over here, my daughter. Put your hope in me. Give me your expectations. Let me guide your steps. Don’t sit down and have a pity party or immerse yourself in distractions to avoid the difficult work ahead. Grab my hand and take a step with me. You don’t have to know the whole trip just the next step.”

As for dealing with my shortcomings, I can apologize for thoughtless words. I can wash the dishes and start a load of laundry. I can pray for my girls and look for opportunities to love them in words and actions.

And I can remember that I will never be enough, but God is. There’s a certain freedom in that.

Did you ever think of your failure as an opportunity to grow your faith?