Monthly Archives: October 2016

Learning to let go

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Lovely light just before sunset at our catfish pond in Kansas. Sigh... It's my happy place (one of them, anyway).

Lovely light just before sunset at our catfish pond in Kansas. Sigh… It’s my happy place (one of them, anyway).

God knows I am pretty dense sometimes, so He helps me out by hitting me up side the head with stuff.

Three times in three days from three different sources, I heard the same message: surrender.

In a couples’ Bible study, we are reading Chuck Swindoll’s book, “So You Want to be Like Christ.” The chapter we studied was about surrendering, releasing our grip. He mentioned surrendering our possessions, our position, our plans and our people (specifically mentioning children).

“Once you make the choice, the hardest days are the earliest. You have become so accustomed to carrying a great weight that releasing it will naturally upset your balance. Learning to walk without it will feel awkward at first. Keep your eyes fixed on Christ and walk slowly. As you regain your balance over time, you’ll be amazed by the growing intimacy you share with Him…”

The next day, I read Priscilla Shirer’s study of Jonah where she talks about letting go and mentioned Chuck Swindoll teaching on loosening your grip (and his example was children).

The following morning, I opened up a devotional by Lysa Terkeurst on biblegateway.com. She wrote, “Sometimes I struggle trusting God with my kids.”

This season of life has me learning to loosen my grip on my children. They are 18, 21 and 24.

What I’m realizing is how little control I have over their choices.

If you look at the whole cycle of parenting, there are lots of little moments (and not so little moments) of learning to let go. You’re glad to see your baby take his first wobbly steps but sad when he doesn’t want to cuddle in your arms. You cry a bit when your daughter heads off to kindergarten while cheering her mastery of new bits of knowledge. You swallow the lump in your throat when your teen heads out the door, keys in hand, for his first solo drive. And most definitely when you leave that baby in her dorm room and head back home, you know things will never be quite the same.

How do you let go?

The answer came to me a few days ago.

“Be still and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10a

First that verse showed up in the book I was reading, “Switch On Your Brain” by Dr. Caroline Leaf. She talked about the importance of taking time for introspection, self-reflection and prayer. We do NOT have control over everything that happens in our lives, but we can control our responses. The more we strengthen our minds, the more we’re equipped to give responses that bless rather than harm. We choose thoughts that help our health and encourage others, not those that feed bitterness and strife.

That SAME morning, I read the daily Biblegateway.com devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was written by Liz Curtis Higgs. Her key verse?

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Again, I’m back to where I started. God WILL hit me with the same verse and same message from multiple sources, sometimes within the same hour. It’s a fun game we play together (here’s another post along those lines, “How to know when you have confirmation”).

The message was clear. Focus on knowing and trusting God, not agonizing over problems (real and imagined).

When it comes to your kids (or anyone else, for that matter), do what you can to build them up, pray, give thanks that God is in control and choose to stop your struggles and trust Him.

What keeps you up at night? How much control do you have over that? Take positive steps where you do have control and let go of the rest. Hand it over to the one who can handle it or help you cope.

“Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” – Matthew 6:27

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests go God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7

 

How to become addicted to God

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A friend asked me recently how I make my quiet time with God a priority. For many years now, I’ve done Bible study and prayer on at least a semi-regular basis. I AM NOT PERFECT. I miss days and, frankly, vacations are often the worst. I don’t want to appear to have it all together because I don’t (If you could see my house at just about any given moment, you’d know I don’t). I’m just one thirsty girl telling others where I’ve found living water. It’s not that I’m a great person, it’s that the more often I come into God’s presence, the more I realize my need for Him. I’m a broken person meeting other broken people every day — bless their hearts.

When I thought about why I’m pretty regular about daily Bible study and prayer, the answer that came to mind was I’m addicted to my time with God. That seemed really inappropriate to say until I heard neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf mention that a God addiction is a good thing!

We were made to crave. If we don’t fill that hole in our souls with God, we will try to fill it with work, entertainment, food, shopping, hobbies, other people… The list is long. Nothing will fill the God-shaped hole except God. Having fun, working hard, eating, focusing on our kids or spouses or friends all have their place and they fall into proper perspective when God comes first.

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” – Matthew 6:33 (The Message)

Sunrise over the Sand Hills near Hutchinson, Kansas.

Sunrise over the Sand Hills near Hutchinson, Kansas.

Here are some ideas about how to get more regular about spending time with God:

  • Get up early and have your quiet time first. Sorry, but this is one good way to make sure it happens. To facilitate early rising…
  • Go to bed at a reasonable time the night before. Yes, I’m explaining this to you like you’re 12, but this can be hard for many of us, especially if you have small children (see the point below about shifting to a different time).
  • Be accountable. Join a Bible study or small group that keeps you in God’s Word.  When my kids were preschoolers, I participated in Bible Study Fellowship which has wonderful programs for children. For adults, BSF has in-depth lessons often requiring more than 30 minutes a day to complete. If you didn’t do your lesson, you couldn’t talk during the small group discussion over the questions. In recent years, I’ve been a part of Northwood’s Ladies’ Bible Study. The lessons are less intense but still keep me studying, and I have the added bonus of getting to know many wonderful women of all ages.
  • Start small. Even five minutes a day is better than no minutes. Some of my friends use the First 5 App from Proverbs 31 Ministries. I read through the wonderful devotional book “Jesus Calling” during a busy season in my life when I wasn’t in a study or sometimes if my time is limited I will read a devotional from biblegateway.com.
  • You don’t have to have your God time first thing. Maybe you have little ones who wake you with their cries or requests for Cheerios. When I was in that season, I allowed myself to put in a “Barney” video several times a week (or set aside part of nap time) and take 15 minutes for me and God. Maybe you work very early hours and you can’t imagine getting up earlier. THAT’S OKAY. Have your time at the end of the day or during lunch or whatever works with your schedule. Don’t allow perfectionism to impede progress.
  • Delay your time on social media/computer/TV until after your quiet time. I try to resist checking my phone first thing in the morning. I DO make a cup of coffee with my favorite flavored creamer to make my QT even better (and wake me up).
  • If you miss a few days (weeks, months…), know that God loves you and welcomes you back. God doesn’t love you any more when you are spending regular times with Him than when you are ignoring Him. You just become more aware of His love and allow Him to minister to you in your moment-by-moment needs. It’s called renewing the mind, people.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2 (NIV)

Eight tips to be a better parent to your college kid

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Just a little more than a month ago, we packed up kid No. 3 to go to college. For the most part, she’s been loving the new challenges, activities and adventures. But there have been moments when she’s called, her words heavy with frustration or panic. I’m not gonna lie, there have been moments when my responses have been heavy with frustration or panic.

Let’s get real. Freshman year of college is HARD. It’s hard for the student, and it’s hard for the parents. I’m not perfect, y’all. I write this to remind myself, as much as to inform you.

Here are some tips to help your child (and you) get through this year and beyond.

1. Keep the lines of communication open.

yes, I sometimes use text speak. I'm not too proud to stoop to teen communication modes.

yes, I sometimes use text speak. I’m not too proud to stoop to teen communication modes.

If I want to get a positive response out of my kid, I use click bait. This girl loves our hyper German shepherd-border collie and asked me to send her photos. Those always get a response, but don’t expect daily communication. Go ahead and send an encouraging text, but don’t worry if you get no response. Let your child know how often you expect a phone call or Facetime where you can hear the sarcasm in their voice instead of trying to detect it in their texts.
2. Visit campus and make it an event.
Last weekend was “Family Weekend” at Anna’s college. The day we moved her into her dorm, she talked about Family Weekend and how she wanted us to see her university and go to the game. Fast forward to the day it began, and our college girl had plans with friends during the first event (a barbecue dinner and pep rally). Imagine that, she’d rather go out with her new friends instead of spend time with her parents. We insisted that she meet us for the President’s Breakfast the next morning, and she did. We had a nice visit and then she took us on a personal tour of campus. In her defense, we’d seen her several times because she goes to school less than an hour from home. Shawn reminded me that these events are designed to make sure your kid is adjusting to college, and it was obvious she was adjusting.

Go Mean Green!

Go Mean Green!

3. Send a care package.
Box up some of your kid’s favorite treats. If you’re motivated (or have all this new-found time to ponder their absence), get creative and look on Pinterest for ideas. If you don’t have a lot of time, many university groups advertise they will put together a care package and deliver it around special days like Halloween, Valentine’s Day and finals. Nothing says “I love you” like a package of gummy worms.
4. Don’t turn their room into your office, craft room or man cave right away.
You’ll freak them out, trust me. Your assimilation of their space should be gradual or delayed. Even with my Aggie grad, I keep a bed for her in what used to be her room when I turned it into my office. When she’s home, it’s her room. When she’s not, it’s my office.
5. Invest in yourself.
Because you will have more time, resist the urge to mope or fill up the empty spaces with Pinterest or binge watching “Downton Abbey.” Think moderation with social media and entertainment and capture some of those extra minutes to learn a new skill or rediscover an old hobby. Both of those endeavors will boost your mood more than mindless media. I recently taught myself to use a video-making app on my phone for work and made a fall wreath for the first time in over a decade.

Crafted with love, not perfection...

Crafted with love, not perfection…

When I was trapped at home with three small children, I did a lot of crafting. Now I can flex those glue gun and paint brush muscles again. How does that help your child adjust to college? It’s kind of a stretch, but it shows kids that you’re never finished learning and growing. Just being happier with this season of life helps us grow into it. Which leads me to the next point…
6. Let go … but not all the way.
Realize your child will have lots of exciting and stressful events as they move towards independence. Don’t panic when they become anxious over a bad grade or want to change their major. Work on becoming more of a coach and less of a dictator. Your adult child will thank you.
On the balance side, I want to insert a warning to you moms and dads out there. MANY young adults struggle with depression, anxiety and other mental health challenges. According to the National Alliance on Mentall Illness (NAMI), 20 percent of teens will experience some kind of mental health condition; 75 percent of chronic mental illnesses show up by age 24. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for those age 10 to 24. I’m dwelling on this heartbreaking topic because we parents need to know that the potential is there, and we should seek professional help if we suspect our child is struggling with mental health.
7. Expect change and talk about expectations.
Your son or daughter will come home on breaks. You will be glad to see them come. When the break is over, you will be glad to see them go. They will try new fashions, new philosophies, new political points of view. Don’t let this rattle you. Keep calm and laugh on (in private, not in their faces). Most likely, they will push way past the old curfews. Let them know what you expect from them, even if it’s just a text at midnight saying they will be home later. They will forget about pitching in with chores and treat you like the hotel maid service. Ask them to do their fair share. Plan fun times for the family during breaks, but don’t over schedule because they love staying out late with friends and sleeping much of the day away. When they go back, plan fun times with whomever is left at home (or with other friends and family). Have a party without them. You have a life, too, and it’s good for them to know it!
8. Don’t tell your kid, “These are the best years of your life.”
Most of us who went to college have great memories of that time. But we don’t have to think too hard to remember the late night projects, the worries about grades and the anxiety over our future. College is fun and college is hard. Both concepts are true. In the same way, parenting is rewarding and parenting is the hardest job we’ll ever do. What do we do in this new frontier of parenting young adults? This mom prays a lot. I pray they will know God loves them, and they will want to follow Him and discover His amazing plan for their lives. I know God is watching out for them even when I can’t. As Christians, we believe the best is yet to come.